Accomplishments & The Chaos They Bring

 This has been an intense week. Not everything came together as I planned, but I know it did exactly as God planned.

First, let's look at the accomplishments:

I received my diploma. I know that's a post hoc accomplishment since I finished my MS on March 20, but it feels more real with that certificate in hand.

Next, I received my passing score on the AMFTRB National MFT Exam. Again, this is a space where the work had already been done. I took the test back on April 18, but the score report didn't release until May 19! That was the longest wait ever! The way they administer and score the test is so stressful. I didn't even know what the passing score would be until I received my scores, which takes roughly 20 business days from the close of the testing window. This concerns how they score each exam and how they batch all tests taken during any testing window. I really think, with today's technology, it should be a faster process, but what do I know?

I also started my PhD program on Monday. The decision to pursue my PhD was complex, but after much consideration, I knew it was the right one. If all goes according to plan, I'll be graduating by June 2031. 

This is where the chaos starts. This is the first week most of the kids are out of school for the summer, so all the appointments we needed to make are this week. Add to that, Nicci graduates Saturday. Between all six of the lives-at-home kids, that's seven appointments, including medical specialists, orthodontics, Senior parent activities, etc. That makes for very busy days!

I wasn't originally planning to start classes this week because I already had so much going on. Still, due to funding changes for advanced degrees in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act, which goes into effect July 1, I needed to be in class by May 18 to remain under the current funding structure. And, a PhD program is no joke. As much as the intensity increased between BS and MS, it increased even more between MS and PhD. For Week 1, I had several articles to read, 3 papers to write in APA 7 formatting, research to complete those papers, and a meeting with my professor. 

Add to that church activities. This week, our church held a special presentation by the Creation Truth Foundation titled " Our American Founding." The presentation was done in 4 parts, so we were at church Sunday through Wednesday for that. Sunday was our regular 10am to 1130am format, while Monday through Wednesday was 7pm to about 830pm each night. Also, it was the last week of Ladies Bible Study before we broke for summer, so I was there for that Tuesday from 10am to 1245pm. 

And the chaos doesn't stop there. 

And the chaos doesn't stop there. Since I finally got my score in for the AMFTRB National exam, I can now finish my licensure applications for Oklahoma and Texas. That means yet another fingerprint background check, since everyone wants their own through the system they use. I also need to schedule meetings with three people to get the required forms signed so they can be submitted to the appropriate licensure boards. Completing this process is especially important since I have been out of the office since March 20 and cannot return to work until I am licensed. I have several clients who elected to take a break while I am out of the office, so I am working hard to get back to them.

Plus, we live in the country. Not a little out of town, like 20+ minutes to anything we need to do out in the country. Most of the appointments and activities this week have been about an hour from the house. That means I have been up very late each night for me. Generally, I am asleep by 830pm since I get up around 330am, but we weren't even home most nights until around 10pm. Getting to bed so late has resulted in me sleeping almost an hour later each day, which may not seem like much, but with this week's schedule, it is hugely impactful on my ability to get everything done.

At this point, I have spent more than enough time on this post, and I know I have a million other things to do. Today is Nicci's graduation and the day she moves out of the dorms, so I won't have time after about 7am to work on anything else. Also, all my assignments for this week are due by Sunday night. With that in mind, I'd better get back to all the things I still have to do this week.

Staying Active = Staying Sane

 I know I said I was going to do better with posting regularly, and I think I am off to an okay start. At least it's only been about a week since my last post. That's significantly better than the years that passed before I rediscovered this space earlier this month. But it's still not where I want to be. When I write, even these little digital diaries, I feel more me. That makes a lot of sense because writing has always been part of who I am. I love to write. In fact, before I decided to return to school, writing was what I did.

Back in 2014 or so, I began working as a freelance writer. I loved it! Over time, I worked my way from crap one-piece assignments with no attribution to becoming a featured regular writer for a specific website with not only a signature line but an entire biography page. I even managed to write a couple of viral articles. Then 2022 hit, and I returned to school to pursue the path I am currently on. In those early days, I wasn't confident I could work as much as I was and still find time for school and family. So, I stopped working as a freelancer. I know it was the right choice at the time, but it was still hard.

Since 2022, my writing has been almost exclusively academic. Not to brag, but APA 7 formatting is my forte. The problem is that academic writing doesn't fill the same space as freelancing or writing for pleasure (yep, that's a thing, lol). So, I'm glad I found this blog again, and I'm going to view making posts as a form of self-care. For now, I'm not going to go insane with it because of other factors (details in the next post!). I'm making a self-commitment to post at least once every week. That may not mean one every seven days, but it will mean that there will be at least one new post every calendar week. If I track correctly, that means the maximum number of days between posts if I post at the beginning of one week and the end of the next would be 13 days. 

It's important for me and my mental health that I take the time to care for me. I have a lot of obligations and my life is made of so many moving pieces, but I also know I cannot give what I do not have. Writing, even just these posts, recharges my battery in a way I didn't realize I had been neglecting until I came back to it. I'm actually rather excited to be back here and I look forward to being able to look back at this season in my life with a clear picture of what this time will hold for me.

An Introduction to the Characters

 Because so much has changed since I last regularly posted, I thought it best I introduce the main characters in my story. This is just to provide a brief introduction to each of the most important people in my life so that when I mention someone it's a little clearer who the heck I am talking about.

First, there's Luke. That's my husband. He is a 32 year old electrician. Yes, I am well aware of the age gap and I'll be the first to admit that I was not comfortable with it at first. However, he somehow manages to be one of the oldest person I have ever interacted with. Talking to him, no one would ever guess his age. Most people in our circle assume us to be the same age or him to be older. Being raised by an older mother and grandmother contributed I'm sure, but that barely tells the story. I affectionately call him a "Bible dork". This is a man who spends hours listening to apologetics and discussions on the intricacies of the Bible. He thinks deeply about things, is calm, and probably the most consistent person I have known in my life.

Next is Samantha. She's technically the oldest. Samantha is 21 and lives about 45 minutes away. Honestly, she has been the most difficult of the children. There's a lot there but I'll summarize with the fact that she has a lot of mental health problems and issues with addiction. There were plenty of days I didn't think we would ever even get to 18, but here we are now. She tends to make impulsive decisions and was under guardianship until just a couple of months ago. I still see her regularly and talk to her even more.

Then we have Jenny. She has always functioned as the oldest. Seriously, even Samantha will say Jenny has always been her big sister. Jenny is 19. She has a husband, Will. He is an amazing guy and exactly the type of man I would have wanted for my daughter. In October 2024, Jenny got the same stomach virus that the other kids were passing around and it triggered the onset of chronic health issues. She says she now sees all the ologies and we are still working for a definitive diagnosis but know it is autoimmune in nature. Even with her struggles, she is a fighter! She still finished high school and tech school in Early Childhood Education. She works with Will (that's how they met) and we all work to support her in being able to do what she wants to do while still accommodating her health issues. Because her health requires a lot of extra support, Jenny and Will live here with us as they save for a house and look for something near their support system.

Nicci is next. She is 18 and about to graduate from the Oklahoma School of Science and Mathematics. OSSM is a boarding school for super smart kids. She has been there since the beginning of her Junior year so she occupies a space something like Schrodinger's cat where she both lives here and doesn't. After graduation, Nicci will be moving to San Antonio to attend Trinity University as a Biochemistry major before pursuing her doctorate in Pharmacology. It's hard to think about her being so far away, but it's also exciting to watch her soar. 

Houston is the oldest of the boys at 16. He is a great student as all the kids are and is about to finish his Sophomore year in high school. He is active in the choir. He is also very active in the church he attends and will even be leading some Sunday School lessons and preparing to be able to preach over the summer. He plans to join the Army after graduation and wants to pursue a career in law enforcement. Being from a blue family, I support this fully but also know the risks in pursing this path. He is outgoing and energetic. You never really know what he's going to say which is part of what makes him fun. 

Elli is the youngest of the girls at 14. We are at the end of her Freshman year. She is the girl of the girls. She loves purple, pink, unicorns, and big bows. She is currently having some health struggles of her own, likely related to the incident when she was a baby, but she never lets it stop her. She is active in the choir, loves reading, and crafting. She has a huge heart and loves her friends and family deeply. Elli talks about attending tech school in her Junior year to pursue Early Childhood Education and vacillates between wanting to be a teacher or a therapist when she grows up.

Rex is 13 and in 7th grade. He is active in band and choir. He is the quiet one of the bunch. He loves gaming and being outside which is an odd contrast but somehow works for him. He was the youngest for a long time and will tell you to this day he still doesn't want a little brother.

Finally, we have Denny. He's 6 and in Kindergarten. He is very bright and also a bit of a trouble-maker. His teacher this year has been letting him work on advanced skills so he already reads and does math at a 2nd grade or higher level. He is independent and funny. I think in part because his siblings were all so much older than him, he really seems very grown for his age and I often say he has been a teenager since birth.

So there you have it, a brief introduction to the 8 people who are the biggest part of my life. I'm certain you'll come to know them all better over the course of my writing, but at least now when I say a name, you'll have some idea of who I am talking about. 

Early to Rise

 Yesterday we celebrated Mother's day for a lot of practical reasons. We don't all go to the same church, Jenny also has a husband whose mother also needs to be visited, restraunts were way less crowded, Nicci didn't have other plans, and the list could go on. I have said repeatedly I have plenty of stuff and all I wanted was their time. So, we all went to lunch. We tried somewhere new. Although it wasn't great food or service, sitting there with 6 of the 7 kids was amazing! 

This morning, I woke up to this. I don't even know which of the kids set it here, but I know it brought tears to my eyes. Not because they spent a ton of money or even because I collect teddy bears and now I have another one. It's because I felt so seen. This wasn't wrapped and presented by the purchaser. It simply sat on top of my laptop on my desk. That may seem like an odd choice, but for me it was the most logical for someone who sees me.

See, the way I have gotten through school to date and still managed everything else in my life is through a structured routine. My coffee pot gets preset every night to auto brew at 4am. Every day my feet are on the floor by 330am and by 415am, I am sitting at my desk, coffee in hand. This has been my routine since April 2022 when I began going to school. It gives me the quiet I need to focus. It allows me to still be present for the day to day functions of a large family. Because this has been the routine for 4 years now, someone knew that sitting it there would make it the first thing I really saw today.

And, it's more than that still. It reminds me of the type of people I am raising. People who think about others and know the value of the small things in life. People who see others not just in what they do for them, but as individuals with their own thoughts, needs, and personalities. 

It makes me think of an exchange that I had with another parent in our school district a few years back. We live on gravel roads and I was about a mile from the house when I realized my tire was flat. There was no way I was making it home. This was the first flat I had had in the sedan I was driving, and my jack was not going to get the job done on that section of gravel road, there just wasn't enough clearance to get that style of jack under the car. Someone came out to help (I do love that about country neighbors) and we struck up a conversation about our kids. He said his daughter also went to the school and was in the same grade as one of mine. He asked if my daughter knew his. I said I recalled the name but wasn't certain how close they were or if it was even the same girl. He told me I would know if it was his daughter because she wore a prosthetic and that's the first thing anyone ever mentioned. Based on that, I said I didn't think my daughter knew his. When I got home, I asked my daughter if the girl she had mentioned several times by name had a prosthetic limb to which the answer was yes. I told her about the encounter with the girl's dad and my surprise at the information. It was in that moment that I saw a real glimpse of the people I am raising. My daughter responded with "well, I never mentioned it because it never mattered to what we were talking about." She had not used the girl's disability as a mark of identification. She just knew the girl. The prosthetic wasn't how she saw her, but a part of a whole person. Because none of our discussions surrounding the girl had been related in any way to her disability, it never got mentioned. 

I say all the time I have amazing kids. They are bright, caring, people who haved really been predominantly as easy as any parent could ask for. But moments like this long ago exchange or finding a teddy bear seated on my laptop serve to highlight that all the more for me. I have been raising kids that see people as they are, past the narrow lense that the world may hold, to what makes them who they are. There have been many days I have questioned my ability as a mother, whether I was making too many mistakes, if I was doing this right at all. Parenting is hard and I certainly didn't have a good example, but in these moments, I feel like I haven't done too bad even for all my mistakes.

It's Been How Long Exactly?

Wow, I had rather forgotten I even had this blog. If I had not been working over the last couple of days to clean up my social media, I may have not remembered it still. It has been just over 8 years since my last post. That is forever in the digital age, and yet these years have flown by at a speed that simply boggles the mind. So much has changed! 

When I started this blog, I was a 32 year-old married stay at home mom of 4. But, I was so much more even then. I was one of the millions of people in this country who was in a domestically abusive relationship. I lied, a lot. I hid it well. He would tell me when I tried to challenge how I or the children were treated that we could not be being abused because look at all the nice things we had. Um, yeah I forgot that's how that part works! If you read my last post from May of 2018, you know something about how this story continued to unfold. By May of 2015, I had 6 children between the ages of 2 and 10, and I reached a breaking point. I realize now that even in that 2018 update, I still had so much work to do. I thought I had healed, figured it all out (which is the funniest idea of all looking back), and knew the trajectory of my life. I see that I still avoided any real conversation about what life was like leading to that day, or what exactly happened that started changing everything. I know that's a story I still need to tell, to share with others who may find themselves in a similar situation to where I found myself that day in 2015. I know this will sound like avoidance, but it isn't because if I share everything today, this one post would be about a novel long!! 

So, this is my statement of commitment to get it all out there over the next few weeks, but for today, I want to provide a new and more honest introduction than the one I have shared in the past.

My name is Harli. I am 47 years old. 

I have 2 babies in Heaven and 7 here on Earth. My babies in Heaven have been there for 25 and 10 years. My babies here are 21, 19, 18, 16, 14, 13, and 6. In other posts, I will tell you all about each one of them, where they are now, what they are doing, etc, but for today, let me stay on track with my introduction.

In February 2025, I married the first truly good man I have ever been in a relationship with. Our story is as messy and complex as most any other part of my life, but it's also so different than my previous relational experiences. This is a man who loves and supports me as I continue to change and grow. He loves all the children as if they were his own and I am thankful every day to have found him. As with the children, this is a story for another day, but it will be told.

I am a Christian. That's something I never thought I would say. Over the years I have looked at most every religion one could imagine. In the end, I decided the very concept of God was a lie because no all powerful, just being would have laid out the life I had lived for anyone He supposedly loved. I had embraced atheism in name, but in my heart I was just incredibly angry. How that changed is also another story for another day. I feel like I will be saying that a lot in this post!

I am a survivor! I have suffered an assortment of abuses from my very earliest memories, yet here I am still. Not only have I lived, but as I have healed and changed, I thrive. 

I am a college graduate and also student. In May 2022, I returned to school to begin pursuing my BS in Psychology Pre-Counseling. I earned that degree in March 2022 and in April 2022 I began my MS in Marriage and

 Family Therapy. I earned that degree in March 2024. I have maintained a 4.0 throughout the entirity of my journey to date. In just 9 days, I start my PhD in MFT program. If all goes according to plan, in 2031 I will graduate with my Doctorate. 

I am currently waiting on the results of my national licensure exam. I am in the process of licensure in 2 states, Oklahoma and Texas. As soon as I recieve my passing score, I will be finishing the process and will hold an LMFT Candidate/Associate license in these states. Once I have my licenses, I will return to working at The Center for Christian Counseling and Care where I completed my internship.

I am a plus-sized woman. I'm nowhere near the size I was when I was last talking about my weight and constantly beating myself up over every ounce, but at 5'3 and 190 pounds, the label still fits. 

I have physical disabilities. I am certain that the abuses my body has endured over the years is a contributing factor as well as the large amount of weight I carried for so long. I have arthritis in many parts of my body including my spine. There are days when even getting out of bed feels like a challenge, but I have faced and overcome challeges before so I get up every day, regardless of how painful it may be. 

I'm a tattoed nerd! I currently have about 40 tattoos reflecting many of my passions. If you see my ink, there's not really any doubt of my nerdiness, lol My ink reflects my love of my family and fandoms. I attend comic conventions and cosplay. 

Even all of this is just a small glimpse of who I am and who I am becoming. This life was built on the remains of who I was and the healing I have done over the years. I am excited to be back at my keyboard and sharing this journey. I look forward to walking this path wherever God leads me. My hope is that in sharing this, you may find strength, hope, and inspiration. 

The Day The Force Was With Me

Today is an anniversary.  It's one that is very emotional for me from both positive and negative sides.  I try to stay focused on the positive aspects, but that isn't always easy.  I figured the best way to handle it was to get it out of my head and onto my blog since that really is why I started this whole thing anyway.

May 4, 2015 started out like most any other day with an alarm clock going off at 5:00 am.  I rushed out of bed and scrambled to pack a lunch made up of a sandwich on home baked bread, chips, Powerade, and a cupcake.  I then quickly heated a sub par breakfast of a frozen croissant sandwich and had everything sitting on the table by 5:15 am.  I walked into the living room and booted up my laptop, make sure his work bags were packed and sitting by the door then returned to the bedroom to make the bed.  He gave me instructions on what work I needed to get done before he arrived at work and walked out the door.

The morning was so ordinary.  Like a million that had come before and what I fully feared would be a million more to follow.  By 5:30 am he was on the phone with me asking constant updates on where I was with the grade book.  See, I may not have had a "real job" but everything that was done outside of the confines of the classroom were my responsibility.  It was my job to make him look good, competent, and exceedingly well prepared at all times.  I did my job and I did it well.  

Throughout the day, as always there were constant emails and check ins.  God forbid I not answer my phone or respond to a text or email within about a minute.  I also had housework to do, 10 kids to homeschool, and this year, I had been sneaking around and gotten a work from home job so I could make some money he didn't know about.  He had found out once that I had money hidden away and told me to quit immediately.  I also had to surrender the money tucked away in the work account.  He was very forceful in his request.  I'll leave that there and not go into detail.  Anyway, I was still sneaking and still working.  So, I had a deadline of my own to meet.  A post that needed to be up because it was May 4th, Star Wars Day.

Flash forward to the end of a very long day.  12 hours after I got up and at a full run all day.  My post is still not up.  In fact, I'm still working on it and he walks in the door.  Busted.  This lead to yelling, screaming, crying.  Him telling the kids how negligent and worthless I was before taking them outside with him.  In that moment something snapped.  I realized I was more afraid of him coming back into the house, of confining me in the bedroom, of what would follow than I was of dying.

I walked back into the bedroom and wrote out a detailed note.  It is amazing how calm and unemotional the whole thing was for me.  I talked about how much I loved the kids and how much I would miss them but mostly it was all business.  Passwords, websites, and due dates for bills so that it wouldn't be too hard to keep the house running without me.  I then took about 2 weeks worth of medicine in the space of 2 minutes or less.  I won't go into detail on what I took but I will say that I had done my research and this was no cry for attention.  All my research had shown this was a no fail method.  For a few minutes I just sat there.  Then, I was washed over with fear.  Not about what would happen to the kids without me there so much as what would happen if one of the kids found me and they were all alone for the day.  I couldn't bear the thought of that.

I walked out onto the porch in the back and told him what I had done.  It was all so calm.  Then I walked back into the house and climbed back into the middle of the bed to wait since I wasn't sure how long the medicine would take to work or what would happen when it did.  He started calling people.  The first call wasn't to 911 but to some people from church.  One must appear properly concerned after all.  As the children came in trying to figure out what was going on, I told them how much I loved them and said my goodbyes.  I refused to leave the bed.  I didn't see any reason why I should.  Eventually, someone from church with medical training convinced him that because I was refusing to get off the bed and into the car, he had to call 911.  In a different situation he may have well tried to force me to comply but with an audience, as always he was the picture of care and concern.

Police and EMTs finally arrived.  EMTs checked my blood sugar, heart rate, etc and found me to be in no immediate medical danger and therefore had to walk out the door because I was refusing medical treatment.  The police were a whole different story.  With the note and no denial of what I had done, they could take me into protective custody as it were and insist on medical treatment at the local ER.  I continued to refuse.  At that point I was told that if I didn't get up and walk out with them, I would be cuffed or tied and physically removed from the house and forced into the police car.  The thing that the officer said that got me to move is that he was sure I didn't want the kids to see me dragged out of the house in cuffs.  He was right, I didn't want that to be their last memory of me.

I walked out of the house with officer on either side fully expecting never to walk in again.  Once I was out of the house, I had no intention of being compliant and besides, my research had indicated that even with going to the hospital, there was little to nothing doctors could do to keep me alive once the medicine started working.  During the ER time, a police officer sat with me constantly and they wouldn't let him come back.  When the doctor and nurses wanted to do labs and other assessments, initially I refused.  The officer made it clear that I would be restrained and the hospital staff would be allowed to do what they thought was best regardless.  Some of the woman I was before the years of abuse popped up likely because at that point I felt I had nothing to lose anyway.  I literally told the officer I had never worn handcuffs when it wasn't for fun and hated to break my streak now.  

Shortly after, a most unexpected thing happened.  I threw up in a major way.  That isn't all that unexpected but the fact that all the pills I had swallowed were still completely whole all that time later was.  Over the course of the entire event, I was never in any danger although they did keep me overnight and monitored my blood sugar very closely.  I was moved from the ER to a regular room, still with police supervision and the next day I was transferred to a Crisis Center on a minimum of a 72 hour hold.  Before the police car left, I handed my wedding rings to him and told him I was done.  In that moment, I knew I couldn't survive any more of his abuse.  In that moment, I was confident I meant it.

I look back now and wonder if the next couple of days had gone differently if I would have been able to stick to what I was saying and feeling right then.  I was one in the past who was often too quick to judge others who were in an abusive relationship and didn't leave.  Or worse, those who left one and then came back to it again and again.  I didn't understand the power the abuser held, how they lived in your head even when they weren't there, until I was fighting it myself.

But, instead, God or the Force or whatever you believe in did for me and the kids what I don't know I could have done for myself or them at that time.  May 4, 2015 became a day that changed my life for the better.  Yes, it could and should have ended very differently than it did but it still freed me and the kids from him.  I think I will wait and go into more details on that in a couple of days but for now, I am feeling less emotionally raw and more in control of myself so this seems to be a very good place to stop for now.

Unwanted Memories

You ever come to a date and it triggers a memory that you don't necessarily want even if it's not a a bad memory per se?  That's where today is.  It's not so much that the memory is unpleasant as it is unwanted. 

On this day in 1997, I got married for the second time.  Anyone who wants to do the math can look at how young I was and also note that I said second time.  I don't regret it, but I do also acknowledge that I was very young.

The day was so full of excitement and promise.  Even now, 21 years later, I remember it in every detail.  But, though there was much good in that period of my life, there was also much heartache and all those promises were broken.  More than broken though, obliterated.  It became more than a pain, more than heartbreak.  It left me scarred and a different person than the one I was before.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the experiences.  The things I learned have added much value to my life.  At the same time, I am also wise enough to know that is the perspective of a 39 year old woman who has finally found the other half of her soul which is far different from the perspective of the girl I was at the time. 

The truth is an older, wiser me would have never married him in the first place.  But, older, wiser versions of ourselves often don't see the mistake ahead no matter how obvious it is to the rest of the world around us.  And, it's not like I would have listened to what anyone had to say anyway. 

He and I had known each other as small children.  I used to kill his GI Joe men.  I don't mean in a cute, let's play war way.  I would literally behead them and then try to melt them with my EZ Bake Oven.  Yeah, I was that sort of kid.  I moved away and that appeared to be the end of that story.

Flash forward to high school.  I was sick one day and that is the day lab partners were assigned.  I got stuck with the partner no one wanted.  Yay me.  But, that lead to a relationship, my first marriage, and my reconnection with my childhood friend.  See, his best friend was my old playmate.  Of course, I didn't know that at the time and it was quite a while before the connection was made in part because of a childhood nickname very different from his real name.

Even without knowing that old connection, the attraction for me was instant and intense.  It was the first time I even thought I might be in love.  Some may wonder if that is the case, how he was my second marriage and not the first.  There are so many details that probably don't need to be shared on that tangent and so many choices that were made from youthful impulsiveness.

With everything that came before the wedding day including the fact that we weren't even dating like 2 weeks before we got married, again I will state a wiser, older me would have never done it in the first place.  But, the me back then thought I was in love.  As is not unexpected, things just deteriorated over time.  The last few days we were in a house together were brutal.  And, in the days following the end, I wasn't always sure I would make it through.  But, as I said in my last post, I am a survivor.

Throughout my life, big changes always come with a theme song.  At the end of the marriage which lasted officially just over 4 years, my theme song was Trisha Yearwood's I Would Have Loved You Anyway.  It was fitting for so many reasons and even more fitting for even more reasons looking back across the years. 

About a year ago, I reached out to my ex on social media.  We talked a few times, some apologies were made, and some old wounds finally closed completely.  It helped heal the last traces of heartache.  Do some of the memories still hurt?  I suppose they do in a way but mostly they are just old scars that you feel sometimes when the weather is just right.

Today, I as I reflect on it all and as I sort through old files that have come unasked for and unwanted into my mind, I am glad for what that relationship was.  It taught me a lot and helped make me who I am now.  I am also glad that it ended and gave me the chance to move on, and make other mistakes. I know that without everything I experienced and learned in that relationship and the ones that came afterwards as well as before, I would not be the woman I am today.  I wouldn't have six amazing children. I wouldn't have the life I have found by traveling on a smooth and easy path.  Perhaps that is the real why of those unwanted memories, to remind us of just what it took to get to who and where we are now. 

Shining A Light

I know it has been forever since the last time I posted.  So many things have changed in so many ways and I let all of that get in the way of something I am truly passionate about.  But, it's more than that.  So much more.

This blog was started more than 7 years ago.  Yesterday, I went through editing and deleting posts.  That may seem like an odd choice but it was so cleansing and so very needed.  See, when this blog started I was not the person I am now.  Not even close.  I also wasn't me.

That may seem confusing to a lot of people, but understand it has been just as confusing to me.  See, I will tell you I'm not a good liar but that's not entirely true.  I hate to lie, but by the time I started this blog in August of 2010 I had become an excellent liar.  I had to if I wanted to survive.  I'll discuss that in more detail over the next several posts and I will shine a light into all the dark corners because those kinds of secrets and that kind of pain only thrive and survive in the darkness.  And, the time has come for all of that to die.

Don't worry, the blog is not going to become all doom and gloom.  But, for many of the things to come to make sense, you have to know where it started, how it progressed, and what the fallout really looks like.  Without going through the backstory, all of it, you can't understand or appreciate everything that the now is and everything that the future holds.  

For now, let me provide an introduction.  I think this is key because if you have been following me long, you will realize that even the names have changed. 

My name is Harli.  I am 39 years old.  That part was easy.  The rest, not as much.  How do I decide which aspect of who I am comes first?  Isn't that the question we all struggle with, the understanding of what part of us is the most important?  Does the order in which we introduce ourselves say how we see ourselves?  Does it denote which aspects we feel are most key?  Does it tell the story of what we hold most important or is it simply a formula that we have as a society decided delivers the information most succinctly?  Perhaps that is way too deep of a question at this time of the day.

I suppose the label that makes the most sense to start with for me is I am a survivor.  I know it may sound a bit cliche and often over used but to be fair and honest, nothing else would follow if not for that one.  Yes, we have all survived to this point.  I get that but we have not all survived the same things and some of us have had to work exceedingly hard at it.  I will get into the details of the what and how as we move forward but for now I think just the statement is enough.

I am a mom of 6 here on earth and 1 most spectacular angel.  The oldest is 13 and the youngest here with me is 4 although 5 is very quickly approaching.  They are all amazing and quite the characters.  My angel was born sleeping at 17w 3d on September 4, 2015.  Her full story can be found in one of the earlier posts.  As this blog progresses, you are sure to hear much about them all.

I am a writer.  Not simply a hobbyist or an enthusiast.  It is part of the very core of who I am.  In addition to making a new commitment to my personal blog, I freelance for a number of blogs.  When things get too deep on an emotional level, I am prone to turning to poetry.  I have been writing poetry for as long as I can remember but during the dark years, that side of me all but disappeared.  In fact, all of me all but disappeared but again, that is for another time.

I am a plus size woman.  There have been times when I have not been okay with that at all.  There have been times when I have fought the hard fight to try to mold myself into something different.  Something society would deem to be acceptable.  Something that would take away the stereotypical viewpoint of those who don't know me or my story.  But, I have found a love and acceptance of who I am.  I don't own a scale and have no need or desire to have one in the house.  See, I have come to realize that the only thing a scale tells me is how much gravity pulls down on my mass.  It gives no indication of my worth or value as a person, a wife, a mother, a human being.  If there are people who want to make snap judgments about who and what I am, they are free to do so.  I, however, and comfortable in my skin and with who I am.  That is really all that matters.

I am a collector of teddy bears.  That makes me an arctophile which is one of my favorite words. Onomatopoeia is actually my very favorite word but that is a separate tangent entirely.  The oldest piece in my collection is a ratty little thing I have had since I was 6 years old.  I have restarted my collection fairly recently but there are a few pieces that have managed to make it through all the chaos.

There are tons more things that I want to share but I think this "quick post" has gotten more than a little long at this point.  It is my goal to share at least once a week.  Some stories will be old, some new.  There will be posts that help you see and better understand my journey and posts that simply entertain.  Regardless of the content, each will be a glimpse into what it is like to be me.  Whether it be  the good, the bad, and the indifferent, each will bring a clearer picture and it will all be the truth because the time for hiding and sculpting life into a pretty and acceptable picture has come to an end.  Life is messy and chaotic.  It isn't always sunshine and rainbows but it is the storms that make us appreciate the beauty and the triumph.

Do I Get A Frequent Use Discount?

Over the past couple of weeks, I have gotten to make 2 emergency room visits.  That's a lot.  But, having 6 kids things can happen.  However, in this case, both visits belonged to the same child.  And, both incidents were more than a little strange.

Of course these things happened to Dani who seems to be able to trip over air generally speaking.  But, these were more unusual accidents.  The first one was a bicycle crash.   She was riding too fast when her foot slipped off the pedal and slid into the front spokes while the bike was in motion.  It still took a few seconds to stop turning.  She managed a nasty looking cut and a bruise that is still causing her pain.  Overall, not too bad all things considered.

Today, she managed to hit herself in the head with a 5 pound hand weight.  She was exercising, clearly incorrectly, when she was no longer able to hold onto the handle and she dropped it onto her head.  A short time later, she was complaining of blurry vision, dizziness, extreme sleepiness.  So, once again off to the ER we went.  She is one very blessed little girl.  There is no fracture and no bleed.  She has a concussion and will likely feel like mud for a few days but she should otherwise be fine.

Seriously, who is going to believe how she does these things to herself?  This kid has had more breaks, accidents, leaps, slips, spills, etc than all 6 of the other kids combined.  No way one child can be this accident prone.  But, then I remember my childhood and I know she is my daughter.

Holding An Angel

Today is my beautiful Alexia Dawn's due date. Today should be a day for a new mom to wake up exhausted from having been up all night with a newborn who needs to be nursed every 2 hours around the clock. Today should be filled with tiny diapers and the smell of a new baby. Instead, today is filled with an indescribable ache and longing. It is filled with an exhausted mom who sat up all night crying for her little girl girl who was here and gone way, way too soon. It is filled with tears and loss.

On May 22, I found out I was pregnant with our 7th child. I'll admit, my first reaction was not pure excitement but, as the days passed, my excitement grew every day.

I saw the Dr for the first time on June 16. Everything looked great. I was 7 weeks. I am diabetic and the stress was doing a number on my blood sugars so my OB referred me to a specialist and I was to see him every other week. At 9w we had a bleeding scare. I went to the ER where they did an ultrasound. Everything looked fantastic! No idea what caused the bleeding, but no real reason for concern. I continued to see my OB and we got my blood sugar under control. I had some special testing done at 13 weeks which included a blood test that could tell me with 100% accuracy the gender of the baby without any risk. Of course, I wanted to know! I got the results back 2 weeks later. We were having our 5th little girl, Alexia Dawn.

I went in for my 16w OB appointment and shared the excitement of knowing the gender and name. Again, everything was perfect and my blood sugars were doing great. 2 weeks later, on September 1, I should have been 18w exactly. My best friend also had a dr appointment that day in the City so she was running with me. I asked her if she wanted to come back and hear Lexi's heartbeat which of course she did. We went back, did the preliminary stuff and Dr pulled out the doppler. He couldn't find anything. Not a big deal, this had happened before because we were still so small with so much room to move. He brought back the portable ultrasound. After about forever, he said he wasn't seeing everything he wanted to see and needed to call in a colleague. At this point I was scared! She came in and looked again. That's when I heard the words I had been fearing. He said my daughter had no heartbeat. I broke down. I refused to believe it so he got the Ultrasound clinic to see me immediately. Truthfully, I knew it wasn't a mistake, but I wanted it to be so bad. They confirmed that she had stopped growing at 17w3d. She had already been gone 4 days and I didn't even know it!

I had to go home and tell my kids their little sister would never come home. Their tears and pain were almost too much to bear.

September 3 at 845pm, I checked into the hospital for my induction. It was terrible. I sat for at least 30 minutes in the waiting area watching other women come in, round, pregnant, in labor, and happy. I hated them all. I finally got back to my room. My Dr was not on call. The Dr who was was awful. She asked me if I would rather have a D&E since it would be easier on me. I told her I wanted to be able to see and hold my little girl. She responded with "That's what Dr. S said, but you could end up needing a csection, and there is really no point in having major surgery for a dead baby." It was all I could do not to lose it! I assured her again, I wanted to be induced, that I knew the risks.

Labor was a slow process because as far as my body was concerned I was still pregnant. My best friend was right by my side the whole time. Finally, about 3am the contractions started getting bad. At 843am on 9/4/15 my beautiful baby was born sleeping measuring 6.34oz and 7.5 inches. Because it had been more than a week since she passed, she changed very fast but I held her as long as I could. My Dr was there by the time she was born. He tried to answer any questions and help me make the best choices about how to handle things from there forward. I chose not to have an autopsy because he couldn't promise it would give us answers. The likely cause was placental abruption based on what he saw when I delivered but even that was not certain.

I went home later that day, trying to pretend everything was fine for my kids. I have continued to try every day since. Some days are better, some are worse. I cleaned every single baby thing I could find out of the house, because there will never be a rainbow after this storm. I think that makes the loss more profound in some ways because I am grieving not just the loss of my little girl, but of that entire part of my life. Never again will I rock a newborn to sleep or watch first steps.

I try to hold on to my faith that I will see her again one day, but it is so hard and honestly I am so angry about the wait. I see women in the news every day who do horrible things to babies they never wanted. I wanted my little girl so much. I love her so much, and I miss her so much. I walk past her memorial shelf every day, several times a day in fact. I touch her urn a lot. I long to hold her just one more time. I wish I had held her longer when I had the chance. But, I did get to hold an angel, a body that belonged to a spirit too beautiful to need to endure the trials of this earth. I try to keep that in mind and let it help temper my grief.

A Whole New World

All of the sudden, I looked around and realized I have not written a post on here in more than a year!  At first I was trying to figure out how that happened, but it only took a moment of reflection to see it clearly.  The truth is almost nothing in my world is the same as it was the last time I wrote on this blog.  So, though the names are the same, the people have changed significantly.  I think with that in mind, the best thing to do is pretend this is post one and provide a brief introduction.  I do plan to blog on a more regular basis from this point forward to help me document and reflect on my life as it is now and see all the changes that are to come.

Let's start with the basics.  I am now 37 years old.  Sometimes I am myself surprised to realize that this summer it will be 20 years since I graduated high school.  Other times, it seems like that is a million years ago and the life of an entirely different person who I would barely recognize today.  I love all things purple and I collect teddy bears.

I am a user of essential oils.  I laughed at the oilers I knew.  I was more than skeptical.  I was determined to show others how nuts they were.  Then, I tried them.  They completely changed my life.  I wish I had tried them much, much sooner.

I am plus size and as shocking as it may seem to some, I am not on a diet or exercise program to lose weight.  I don't even have a scale in the house.  See, I am a mother to girls.  Girls who at 5 and 6 years old began to ask about being fat, eating too much, being too thin, and other trends that were honestly a little disturbing.  It was at that point that I quit obsessing about my weight.  My kids will all tell you they are just the right size for a person their size.  That is a win in my book!

I am a homeschool mom.  I have kids in grades PK, K, 3, 4, 6, and 9.  I have my 6 plus 3 others that meet together to study and learn each week.  My kids have tried public school, more than once, in more than one district.  We have also tried virtual school or online public school.  None of those fit the needs of my students.  So, although it is hard, I know it is worth it to get my kids where they need to be.

I was chosen to be mommy to a spirit so perfect, she had nothing to learn on this Earth.  My youngest and forever baby, Alexia Dawn was born sleeping 9/4/15 at 17 weeks 3 days.  I miss her every single day and I think about her all the time.  I held her and pictures were taken and I remember every detail of her tiny, perfect face.  I built a shelf for her right outside my bedroom were the few things that were ever hers sit along with her obituary and urn so I can see her every day still.  I know this is an uncomfortable topic, but I love her very much and she is my child just as much as her 6 older siblings.  I say she is my youngest and forever baby not just because she won't grow any older, but also because there will never be another pregnancy for me.


So, that is me in a nutshell as it were.  I plan to use this blog to share our journey of healing both physically and emotionally, our spiritual growth, our schooling triumphs, our lives as they are now.  Feel free to join me on this adventure in learning to find our new normal and more.

Two Major Events

Well, this week has been crazy busy.  I am excited about 2 big events this week.

First, we are officially homeschooling again.  There was a lot of problems with public school and I was so tired of of the constant fight just to see nothing done.  So, I brought them all home and we are done with public school.  We have decided this is a permanent change.  As you all know the old saying fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.  Well, I let the public school system fool me twice but I won't make the same mistake a third time.  I don't know of a saying for that one, but I know the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  And, crazy, I am not! (Okay I am, but I'm smart enough to steer clear of public schools!)

Secondly, I have been writing as a freelancer through oDesk.  I completely love it! I have been doing steady writing for the blog healthyfamilygrowth.com  and had a post go viral!  Super excited!!!  It spawned a press release as it hit over 6640 views in less than 24 hours.  The press release can be seen here: http://newswire.net/newsroom/pr/00086226-csection-tummy-tuck-2-for-1-delivery-controversy.html

Currently, since the blog only needs me for a few hours, I am still drafting emails and making lists to cover most of my hours I'd like to work each week.  Hopefully, one day, I'll just be able to write all the time.  It's such a passion for me.

Anyway, we have missionaries coming to dinner tonight and I am making Shrimp and Grits.  The only problem?  No grits in the house!  So, it's off the the store we go (which is completely insane this close to Thanksgiving)

Have a safe, happy, and blessed Thanksgiving!

Lack of Customer Service is Astounding!

I'm sure I am not the only one out there already well into my shopping for Christmas.  With 6 kids, if you don't start early, you just don't have time or money to get it done.  So, this year as the big shared gift we found an item we loved but didn't buy it that moment and the local stores sold out.  It looks like it's going to be a popular item for this year as several places online are sold out as well.

Then, wonder of wonders, I find it at 2 sites still in stock. Sears.com and Amazon (because let's face it amazon has EVERYTHING!)  But, Sears has it cheaper by about $13.  I know it's not much but every little bit adds up.  So, I try to order it and get a blank page when I select pay with Paypal.  Great.  But I have no time to deal with it at that moment so I leave it.  I come back today with a little more time.  The item has now gone up in price by $8.  Arg!  Oh well, that's what I get for waiting.  Same problem again.

But wait, there is hope.  The site says the item is available in store in Norman.  Okay, I can work with that.  I call the store to be told, nope, they don't have it.  She says sometimes the sears.com shows items in stock inaccurately.  I get that.  It happens.  She assures me they can order it by phone and gives me a number for sears.com.  Alright!  Progress.

So, I call and explain the issue to the "customer service" rep.  She says we can go ahead and order it at the new price, she just needs my credit card.  Nope.  I want to use Paypal.  There are reasons for my selection.  None of those reasons are her business but I'm still trying to get my item.  I explain to her I don't want to use a credit card but would like help with ordering the item using Paypal.  She continues to insist that ordering by credit card is the best option and they will match the online price.  I am obviously not communicating with her.  I ask to speak to a supervisor.  She again explains how I need my credit card to order.  At this point, frustration takes hold.

I tell her that I don't want to use a credit card.  I have asked to speak to a supervisor and that request was ignored as well.  So, I will not be shopping with Sears at all.  Instead, I will spend a few dollars more and buy the item at Amazon.

What a hassle!  But, my item is now ordered from Amazon and will come with free delivery instead of store pickup or $28 in shipping.  I should have started with Amazon and saved myself the headache!

An Amazing Weekend

The past couple of weeks have been fall break/fall intercession around here.  That means I spent a week completely over scheduling the kids trying to get everything in on their days out of school.  Nightmare level exhaustion! 

The break ended with an unforgettable marathon of a weekend.  First, Samantha got into an altercation at school that ended with her arm being checked out in the ER.  Another child was unkind about her beliefs, and being young she was not as well equipped to handle it as I would have liked.  It quickly escalated into name calling and then she tried to hit him.  She missed and he pinned and twisted her arm in response.  Everyone is fine (dr says mild sprain for Samantha) and we have done a lot of talking and trying to learn how to better handle conflict.  Of course, this was not a one time thing between her and this boy.  They have been at war since Pre K and I am constantly working with the school on how to help them stay apart.

My best friend and her oldest son were baptized on Saturday and confirmed members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on Sunday!  Her beautiful and amazing daughter had already been baptized in September.  It was such an emotional weekend.

In addition, we also had Fall Social Saturday evening and a Chili Cook-off.  I was thrilled to take first place with my chili!  The kids all got to dress up and participate in Trunk or Treat as well.  That was such a blessing for Nicci as she will be serving as the flower girl during John  Marshall's Homecoming game this Friday instead of doing the whole Trick or Treat thing this year.  She is really excited but she is also 6 so I know she would have been disappointed to miss candy altogether.


Today I have several sick kids at home.  Hopefully it's mostly just exhaustion from being too busy too many days in a row and everyone will be back on track tomorrow.  I am supposed to go for my Temple Recommend Interview at the Stake Center tomorrow.  Hard to believe it's been nearly 2 years since we were sealed together as a family.  I'm glad we have Eternity because this life is flying by too fast!

Long Time No Blog

Wow, I can hardly believe how long it has been since I wrote on here.  So many things have changed since my last post.  Of course, not everything has changed.  Let's get an update going, shall we?

My knee still hurts all the time.  I have pretty well accepted it is permanent and made modifications in my life to compensate.   I'm still a plus size mom.  Not really that big of a surprise either as I have been plus size since Jr High more than 25 years ago.  I have made some dietary modifications. The gaining has stopped and the scale has come down some, but more importantly, I am comfortable with who I am.  That is so critical and I wish it hadn't taken me the better part of 36 years to figure it out.  You know what made the biggest impact?  I stopped weighing.  Really, completely stopped.  I quit  berating myself over every ounce.  I stopped waiting until I was that "goal" size to buy clothes that fit and made me happy.  I wear what I like at my size and it really has helped change my attitude about the whole process.

I still have six little ones running around everywhere.  The oldest has reached 9 and the youngest is 18 months.  Before anyone asks if I am done, I still don't know.  I trust that Heavenly Father will guide me in this.  When my youngest was born, my OB said I was fine to have more.  I don't actively try to become pregnant or to avoid it.  If I am supposed to have more, I will.  If not, I won't.  Simple.


This has encouraged me to ever strive to be a better parent to my children.  I won't lie, I'm still far from perfect, some days so far from it I can barely see there has been progress.  Still, I keep trying.  Until I stop, I haven't failed no matter how many set backs there have been.

All of the kids that are old enough are in public school this year.  It allows me time to focus and spend time with the little ones individually.  It also lets me focus more on enjoying time with the kids in general and not always focusing on curriculum and progress.  It was a difficult decision to make, but I really feel it was the right one.

And, I am working some.  I have started doing some freelance writing and research which I am enjoying immensely.  It has encouraged me to write again for me as well as for work. I hadn't realized how much I missed it until I started doing it again.  So, hopefully, this will be the first posting of much more regular writing.

Anyway, I have so many things to do today and so many memories to make while they are still little.  I leave you for now praying for peace and blessings for you and yours.

Things Have Gotten Out of Control

Okay, I am going to approach a couple of subjects that I have been avoiding like the plague!

First there is the subject of my knee.  As many know, in April of 2012, I fell on my knee.  I thought at the time no big deal.  I figured in a couple of weeks, I'd be good as new.  I was incredibly wrong!  I suffer from extreme pain every single day.  I can barely walk.  The swelling is so bad I can hardly bend my knee at times.  And, I am part of the in between so I have no insurance.  Because of that, I have continue to use my damaged knee until the damage is likely permanent.  We are trying to come up with compensating factors to help.  I frequently use a cane, I try to limit walking in general, and I take more Tylenol each week to try to stave off the intensive pain.  And, I cry, a lot.

Because of all of these things, I have been angry, bitter, and depressed.   Which leads me to the second subject.  Since every movement hurts, I don't work out at all anymore, and since I am depressed, I eat.  I am currently nearly 300 pounds!  I haven't been this heavy in a long, long time.  My clothes don't fit.  I wear pajamas and try to avoid leaving the house as much as possible.  But I realize this is not helping me.  It's a vicious cycle I have gotten into.  The more I weigh, the more stress it puts on my knee.  The more stress I put on my knee, the more it hurts.  The more it hurts, the less I do.  And, the less I do, the more I weigh!  So, obviously, something has got to be done.

Today is day one of a serious diet.  Unlike before were I still pretty well ate what I wanted and lost weight because I could exercise off the calories, now I have to stick to a low-cal diet if I want to get rid of the pounds.  I know this is going to be tough, but I hate the way I look and feel right now so something has to be done.  I have added a weight loss ticker back to the top of my page, and I will be logging bites again to track calories so I can get this weight off!

Hopefully, between the loss of weight and the mobility modifications, I can live life again instead of sitting on the side lines and crying.  Yesterday we took the kids to the zoo.  We spent the extra money to rent a motorized scooter for me.  It's the first time in nearly 18 months that we were there long enough to enjoy the zoo.  And, I was able to enjoy being there with my kids.  Best $25 we ever spent, lol.

I am praying that admitting my struggles will give me the strength to overcome them.

These Boys Are Stressing Me Out!

So, on Monday I took Houston and Elli to the doctor.  The whole reason was to get them established with the new pediatrician so that if anything comes up (cold, rash, etc) they will not be a "new" patient and will get seen sooner.  Well, they found Houston has a heart murmur.  First I have ever heard of it.  But, anyone who knows my family medical history will know I am more than a little worried right now even though I know that 2/3 are innocent and nothing to be concerned over.

So, now on July 2, Houston has an echo-cardiogram and Rex meets with the Ornithologist.  That is sure to be a busy day, but hopefully we will get some definitive answers about both boys.

A Roller Coaster Week

On Sunday we saw the damage a tornado could do on the town just 25 miles away.  A place we travel to frequently.  That of course was followed on Monday with an EF5 ripping through Moore.  Fortunately, those we know were not injured and their homes not completely destroyed.  Sadly, that was not the case for far too many of our Oklahoma neighbors.

Wednesday,  Rex had his 2 month check up.  He has grown to a huge 22.8" and 13lb 3oz!  What a little chunker.  And, he went to the audiologist today.  He is still showing a flat line on the left ear when they do the tympometry.  But, when they did the Click test it came back as "gross normal hearing" in both ears.  So, we are no on to the ORL in July to see if we can figure out what is going on on that left side.  But, the upside is we know he hears some!

Then, as we got home, we discovered that the student who was involved in the accident last week, passed away last night.  Our hearts break for his family.

Like I said, it's been a real emotional week here.  Hopefully, next week brings more peace as we all could use the respite.

Exhausted from Relaxing

We had a great weekend in Tulsa.  We visited with my mom and her husband.  We swam and swam.  It was a lot of fun but we are totally worn out today.   I am still glad to be home again.  Samantha is completely done with school for the year and Jenny is done with math.  I think Nicci can be done with all of K by the end of May (she finished PK months ago).  Ready to wrap up the year and start vacation every day!

Finally Admitted I'm a Twit

Okay, I couldn't resist the title.  I have actually finally joined Twitter.  I know shocking that it took so long.  

On another note, I am still trying to wait patiently for Monday to get here.  No matter what the news, some answers from the Audiologist on Rex are better than not knowing for sure.