Do I Get A Frequent Use Discount?

Over the past couple of weeks, I have gotten to make 2 emergency room visits.  That's a lot.  But, having 6 kids things can happen.  However, in this case, both visits belonged to the same child.  And, both incidents were more than a little strange.

Of course these things happened to Dani who seems to be able to trip over air generally speaking.  But, these were more unusual accidents.  The first one was a bicycle crash.   She was riding too fast when her foot slipped off the pedal and slid into the front spokes while the bike was in motion.  It still took a few seconds to stop turning.  She managed a nasty looking cut and a bruise that is still causing her pain.  Overall, not too bad all things considered.

Today, she managed to hit herself in the head with a 5 pound hand weight.  She was exercising, clearly incorrectly, when she was no longer able to hold onto the handle and she dropped it onto her head.  A short time later, she was complaining of blurry vision, dizziness, extreme sleepiness.  So, once again off to the ER we went.  She is one very blessed little girl.  There is no fracture and no bleed.  She has a concussion and will likely feel like mud for a few days but she should otherwise be fine.

Seriously, who is going to believe how she does these things to herself?  This kid has had more breaks, accidents, leaps, slips, spills, etc than all 6 of the other kids combined.  No way one child can be this accident prone.  But, then I remember my childhood and I know she is my daughter.

Holding An Angel

Today is my beautiful Alexia Dawn's due date. Today should be a day for a new mom to wake up exhausted from having been up all night with a newborn who needs to be nursed every 2 hours around the clock. Today should be filled with tiny diapers and the smell of a new baby. Instead, today is filled with an indescribable ache and longing. It is filled with an exhausted mom who sat up all night crying for her little girl girl who was here and gone way, way too soon. It is filled with tears and loss.

On May 22, I found out I was pregnant with our 7th child. I'll admit, my first reaction was not pure excitement but, as the days passed, my excitement grew every day.

I saw the Dr for the first time on June 16. Everything looked great. I was 7 weeks. I am diabetic and the stress was doing a number on my blood sugars so my OB referred me to a specialist and I was to see him every other week. At 9w we had a bleeding scare. I went to the ER where they did an ultrasound. Everything looked fantastic! No idea what caused the bleeding, but no real reason for concern. I continued to see my OB and we got my blood sugar under control. I had some special testing done at 13 weeks which included a blood test that could tell me with 100% accuracy the gender of the baby without any risk. Of course, I wanted to know! I got the results back 2 weeks later. We were having our 5th little girl, Alexia Dawn.

I went in for my 16w OB appointment and shared the excitement of knowing the gender and name. Again, everything was perfect and my blood sugars were doing great. 2 weeks later, on September 1, I should have been 18w exactly. My best friend also had a dr appointment that day in the City so she was running with me. I asked her if she wanted to come back and hear Lexi's heartbeat which of course she did. We went back, did the preliminary stuff and Dr pulled out the doppler. He couldn't find anything. Not a big deal, this had happened before because we were still so small with so much room to move. He brought back the portable ultrasound. After about forever, he said he wasn't seeing everything he wanted to see and needed to call in a colleague. At this point I was scared! She came in and looked again. That's when I heard the words I had been fearing. He said my daughter had no heartbeat. I broke down. I refused to believe it so he got the Ultrasound clinic to see me immediately. Truthfully, I knew it wasn't a mistake, but I wanted it to be so bad. They confirmed that she had stopped growing at 17w3d. She had already been gone 4 days and I didn't even know it!

I had to go home and tell my kids their little sister would never come home. Their tears and pain were almost too much to bear.

September 3 at 845pm, I checked into the hospital for my induction. It was terrible. I sat for at least 30 minutes in the waiting area watching other women come in, round, pregnant, in labor, and happy. I hated them all. I finally got back to my room. My Dr was not on call. The Dr who was was awful. She asked me if I would rather have a D&E since it would be easier on me. I told her I wanted to be able to see and hold my little girl. She responded with "That's what Dr. S said, but you could end up needing a csection, and there is really no point in having major surgery for a dead baby." It was all I could do not to lose it! I assured her again, I wanted to be induced, that I knew the risks.

Labor was a slow process because as far as my body was concerned I was still pregnant. My best friend was right by my side the whole time. Finally, about 3am the contractions started getting bad. At 843am on 9/4/15 my beautiful baby was born sleeping measuring 6.34oz and 7.5 inches. Because it had been more than a week since she passed, she changed very fast but I held her as long as I could. My Dr was there by the time she was born. He tried to answer any questions and help me make the best choices about how to handle things from there forward. I chose not to have an autopsy because he couldn't promise it would give us answers. The likely cause was placental abruption based on what he saw when I delivered but even that was not certain.

I went home later that day, trying to pretend everything was fine for my kids. I have continued to try every day since. Some days are better, some are worse. I cleaned every single baby thing I could find out of the house, because there will never be a rainbow after this storm. I think that makes the loss more profound in some ways because I am grieving not just the loss of my little girl, but of that entire part of my life. Never again will I rock a newborn to sleep or watch first steps.

I try to hold on to my faith that I will see her again one day, but it is so hard and honestly I am so angry about the wait. I see women in the news every day who do horrible things to babies they never wanted. I wanted my little girl so much. I love her so much, and I miss her so much. I walk past her memorial shelf every day, several times a day in fact. I touch her urn a lot. I long to hold her just one more time. I wish I had held her longer when I had the chance. But, I did get to hold an angel, a body that belonged to a spirit too beautiful to need to endure the trials of this earth. I try to keep that in mind and let it help temper my grief.

A Whole New World

All of the sudden, I looked around and realized I have not written a post on here in more than a year!  At first I was trying to figure out how that happened, but it only took a moment of reflection to see it clearly.  The truth is almost nothing in my world is the same as it was the last time I wrote on this blog.  So, though the names are the same, the people have changed significantly.  I think with that in mind, the best thing to do is pretend this is post one and provide a brief introduction.  I do plan to blog on a more regular basis from this point forward to help me document and reflect on my life as it is now and see all the changes that are to come.

Let's start with the basics.  I am now 37 years old.  Sometimes I am myself surprised to realize that this summer it will be 20 years since I graduated high school.  Other times, it seems like that is a million years ago and the life of an entirely different person who I would barely recognize today.  I love all things purple and I collect teddy bears.

I am a user of essential oils.  I laughed at the oilers I knew.  I was more than skeptical.  I was determined to show others how nuts they were.  Then, I tried them.  They completely changed my life.  I wish I had tried them much, much sooner.

I am plus size and as shocking as it may seem to some, I am not on a diet or exercise program to lose weight.  I don't even have a scale in the house.  See, I am a mother to girls.  Girls who at 5 and 6 years old began to ask about being fat, eating too much, being too thin, and other trends that were honestly a little disturbing.  It was at that point that I quit obsessing about my weight.  My kids will all tell you they are just the right size for a person their size.  That is a win in my book!

I am a homeschool mom.  I have kids in grades PK, K, 3, 4, 6, and 9.  I have my 6 plus 3 others that meet together to study and learn each week.  My kids have tried public school, more than once, in more than one district.  We have also tried virtual school or online public school.  None of those fit the needs of my students.  So, although it is hard, I know it is worth it to get my kids where they need to be.

I was chosen to be mommy to a spirit so perfect, she had nothing to learn on this Earth.  My youngest and forever baby, Alexia Dawn was born sleeping 9/4/15 at 17 weeks 3 days.  I miss her every single day and I think about her all the time.  I held her and pictures were taken and I remember every detail of her tiny, perfect face.  I built a shelf for her right outside my bedroom were the few things that were ever hers sit along with her obituary and urn so I can see her every day still.  I know this is an uncomfortable topic, but I love her very much and she is my child just as much as her 6 older siblings.  I say she is my youngest and forever baby not just because she won't grow any older, but also because there will never be another pregnancy for me.


So, that is me in a nutshell as it were.  I plan to use this blog to share our journey of healing both physically and emotionally, our spiritual growth, our schooling triumphs, our lives as they are now.  Feel free to join me on this adventure in learning to find our new normal and more.